03 March 2007


The world is full of VSIPs. They are everywhere. The most common places to see these VSIPs are:

1. In front of you in line. Any line, usually the slowest moving. The more VSIPs, the slower the line.
2. Driving the car next to, or in front of you.
3. In the seat next to you on an Airplane.
4. The first one on the airplane who puts their eight pieces of carry-on luggage in the first overhead bin above seat #2A. His seat is #86D. It takes him 15 minutes to situate his bags and backs up the entire flight. It's okay, he's a VSIP.
5. She's the one who looks like guy from the Star Trek who is blind with that 'virtual eye' thing to help him see, except she has something like it in her ear at the table next to you at McDonald's.
6. He says "Hi, how are you doing" you answer foolishly because he's not talking to you. You don't think you're that important for him to lower himself to talk to you do you?
7. There's a kid drowning at the pool, and Mom is poolside yelling into space (because she has the Star Trek ear thing, remember?) that she has to go and yell at the lifeguard to save her kid. Too late...

You all remember the days when (in 1993 for me) when the first cell-phones came out. They were the size of a shoebox, and weight about the same as a miniature schnauzer. Now, they are the size of three rabbit droppings stuck together.

At that time, there were only four people who use cell-phones:

1. The guy who carried the 'Football' for the President. He would call the guys who would press 'The Button' when the POTUS would lean over to him and tell him. Obviously the POTUS didn't need one himself. It was too heavy, and would interfere with him shaking hands and kissing babies.

2. Emergency Doctors. Of course, these guys need to have one. That is a no-brainer.

3. Pizza Delivery Guys. We need a way to find out why our pies are over 30" late, and help them find there way.

4. Terrorists (they use them to detonate those IEDs)

Process of Elimination:

1. There is only one 'Football Guy'. And he's usually with the POTUS. The only exception is when he is in the executive bedroom, and I am pretty sure that he isn't sitting in a chair next to the nightstand "Just In Case". Maybe then the President carries it... then it would get in the way of something else...hmm.

2. Emergency Doctors. There aren't that many of them. Statistically, maybe one per plain, and I doubt he is doing his nails talking into the air at the local YMCA watching his kid drown.

3. Pizza Delivery Guys. On the plane? That's some delivery service...but hate to see their 'hidden fuel charges' for their products!

4. I don't think Terrorists are that popular here in the States. Akbar and his little brother, call him 'Spotter', isn't common here. So I doubt that. However, maybe if the cell-phone companies did a 'retro' program making all phone like they did back in early 90's, it would make these IEDs a little more difficult to do. Make "Spotter", Akbar's malnourished little brother, lug the 25 pound cellphone with the external antenna dragging behind a mile to the IED point. By that time the 8 pound battery is dead, and Spotter was so tired, he probably dropped the spare in a pile of donkey poo a half-mile back. That 'Allah Be Praised' mission just flopped. Kind of Spotter did on the side of the road in exhaustion. (Of course the US Convoy see Spotter passed out on the side of the road and stop to render aid and give him Candy. Only to have him and Akbar try it again tomorrow. How nice.)

Who the heck are all of these other people think they are? They are VSIPs. Very Self-Important People.

They are not going anywhere. We are stuck with them. Don't become one of them. Don't talk to them. Don't look them in the eyes. Don't acknowledge them. They are in need of a 12-step recovery program.

'Hello. My name is Cookie (or Chip). I am a recovering VSIP. "

No comments: